The Not So Itsy Spider

Some people are gifted with a sixth sense.

I am one of those people… except I don’t sense spirits, I have a keen sense for finding bugs.

I can spot a fly from across the room and I know the ideal hiding spots for all the spiders.

In another life, I think I could have run my own successful pest control business.

But with my highly skilled bug detection skills, I have a major downfall – I am incapable of actually killing the bug.

I possess a major phobia of squashing, squishing, crunching and smashing bugs. I fear getting my hands too close to the crawly monsters in case of retaliation. You never know when a bug might fly or jump at your face.

So when I returned to my cozy room in Cottage 4 after being away on a long weekend excursion, my first instinct was to inspect the room for any unwanted visitors.

And to my absolute terror, a giant spider the the size of a standard post-it-note decide to take up residency in the upper corner of the wall near my windowsill.

Now this isn’t going to be the average spider or bug story. I’ve already dealt with giant spiders on my pillow case and centipedes falling from the ceiling in the middle of the night. Those were all terrifying moments, but not story worthy.

No, this story is different because it’s about the spider who refused to die.

The spider, who I named Dave in an attempt to make him seem less scary, won four battles before being crushed in the fifth and final battle.

When I first spotted Dave, it was 9:30 p.m. and I had a not so subtle moment of panic. But after forcing my cottage mates to kill all the bugs I stumbled across in the past month, I wanted to prove that I could accomplish this one on my own.

Instead of grabbing a napkin like a normal person, I made a beeline for the vacuum.

Waving the vacuum over my head, I tried my best to suck Dave down the tube into the dust bunny graveyard. But Dave skillfully dodged the suction device and found shelter in the slot between the wooden windowsill and the wall. I mean you don’t get to be that big of a spider without learning how to outsmart assassination attempts.

But my sixth sense for bugs was nagging me. I knew that just because I couldn’t see Dave didn’t mean that we wasn’t still there.

So I waited.

My eyes were laser focused on that corner of my room for over an hour.

Then I saw him.

First one leg, then two legs, until Dave fully emerged from his hiding spot.

After that first miserable attempt, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to defeat Dave on my own. So I called upon my troops for help.

My cottage mate and pro-bug killer, Liz, grabbed the trustworthy napkin weapon and went in for the kill.

Thunk!

Liz slammed the napkin against the wall, but this obviously wasn’t Dave’s first rodeo. His speedy fast reflexes helped him to escape, but not without suffering the loss of a leg.

Still I knew Dave wasn’t done fighting for ownership of the bedroom. After recovering from the blow, he crept out of his hiding spot one leg at a time.

This time it was Margeaux’s turn to lead us into battle. Her weapon of choice: the classic cup and coaster.

Clink!

Margeaux narrowly miscalculated the angle and sent Dave scurrying back into his hideout. But he suffered the loss of two more legs.

So what did I do next? Did I wait for Dave to emerge once again?

No.

The waiting game just wasn’t working. I decided I needed to rethink my battle approach. Instead of letting Dave come to me, I needed to make an attack on Dave’s fort. I needed to get innovative and surprise Dave with a weapon unbeknownst to him.

So I grabbed the spray bottle of all-purpose surface cleaner and a long, cake frosting knife.

I entered into slight psycho mode as I was tired and just wanted to sleep. But my fear of Dave secretly relocating or seeking revenge on me in the middle of the night was too great.

I dowsed the wall in chemical cleaner in an attempt to flush Dave out of his hiding spot or make him die of poisoning. I now had a squeaky clean wall, but I couldn’t be sure that Dave was defeated… he had already survived the impossible.

So I took the frosting knife and jabbed it into the slot behind the windowsill. The scene was reminiscent of Michael Myers from Halloween. I was on a high because I knew there was no way that Dave could survive.

Or so I thought.

I left my bedroom to wash my face in the bathroom and when I returned there was Dave taunting me.

And he wanted vengeance. It was time for a showdown.

But Dave was tired. He was missing three legs, was soaked in cleaning chemicals and had no fort to hide in.

So when Margeaux returned to the battle with a napkin, all Dave could do was fall off the wall and make a slow crawl for protection underneath the bed.

But Margeaux was ready. The surprise sky-dive barely phased her and Dave was between her clutches in the napkin in seconds.

Victory.

Dave’s time of death – 12:20 a.m.

I could finally go to bed in peace.I would like to give a special thanks to the back-up and support that my cottage mates showed me. The war would not have been won without them.

So to all the other bugs and spiders thinking about invading our cottage – beware. As Liam Neeson once said, “I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.”

Editor’s Note: This story is meant for comic relief and is in no way encouraging violence.